Brilliant Idea #3,578

I remember how special I felt when my mom and grandma would let me sit up on the counter and help them mix cookies. It's a tradition I couldn't wait to pass on to my own children. I love to bake and have always had this image of my child and I laughing over a bowl of dough, sneaking bites and having fun.

Um, apparently either my mother has wayyyyy more patience than me or she only let me help her with baking that one time and she happened to take a photo...

I decided Friday to mix up some M&M cookies. I was hormonal and craving them and thought it would be a fun activity for Lawrence and me. Ha!

He, being the grandson of a mechanic and the son of a construction engineer, found himself much more interested in how the hand mixer worked than with the notion of combining ingredients "gently" in a bowl. He also just HAD to see what was in each of the canisters, test out what eggs feel like and, of course, taste his first M&Ms.

The whole ordeal was a bit ironic since I find baking to be therapeutic...it was the most stressful experience I've had in awhile.

I'm glad we did it, though. I'll probably wait until he's closer to 2 until I let him "help" me again, but it was a fun time while it lasted (now if he would just stop wanting to sit on the counter every time I go in the kitchen).

I'm a slacker. I know this.

I suck. I haven't written in a loooooong time. Partly, it's because I'm lame-o and have nothing to discuss. But, mostly it's because I'm a lazy ass.

Since it's been so long since I posted, let me give you all a quick rundown of my life of late:

-I got busted at work for nesting too much. Damn.

-Speaking of the nest, it's been a total piece of shit lately.

-I've been really gassy.

-Lawrence finally cut a few more freaking teeth (I was really starting to worry he'd never get any on top)

-I haven't cooked dinner in over a week.

-I threw out my back and had to walk like an old woman for three days.

-I ate an entire bag of Nestle Caramel Eggs during the three days my back was out.

-Amanda Overmeyer is GONE! Praise Jesus!!

-My son learned to "pound it."

-Our wood floors are in and I've probably swept them more in the past couple weeks than I swept the tile since we've lived here.

-Our taxes are completely done, but I still haven't e-filed them.

-I committed to being fat and bought some new clothes. They were desperately needed.

-My mom helped me freeze off my warts and I screamed like a little bitch.

-I desperately need a haircut...I'm starting to get a mullet.

That's about it.

If there are people actually reading this and were anticipating new entries over the past few days, my apologies.






I was gone most of the weekend while my lovely husband (and his generous twin brother) installed hardwood flooring in our kitchen and dining rooms.

dining room before:

dining room after:

kitchen before:

kitchen after:

So, that's where I've been.

I will admit that I typed up a huge long post yesterday and decided to forgo publishing it. Because it was about pooping. At work. 'Nuf said.

In other news, this morning in the shower, I was thinking about something...I *love* the smell of "Clean Linen." I have candles in that scent, potpourri in that flavor, it's the kind of air freshener I always buy. However, I realized yesterday that my laundry -- MY clean linens -- never smell like that. Why, oh, WHY isn't there a laundry detergent/fabric softener that smells like my candles? It annoys me.

Other things that annoyed me today:

• My neighbors yelling incessantly at their children from inside their house...with their windows open. Uh, thanks. We're ALL trying to enjoy the nice weather here, folks. You're not the only ones with your windows open so STFU.
• People driving like bats out of hell. COME THE FRICK ON, PEOPLE. I've had to deal with your shitty driving all winter long -- you drove like it was the Indy 500 when the roads were a death trap and like my grandpa on sedatives when there was one snowflake on the ground. Suddenly there's a burst of spring weather and you all decide that you want to try and reenact "The Fast and the Furious" all the way down Sorensen on onto 90th? I hate you all.
• Morons who are completely uneducated and call into the radio to spread their idiocy to others...and completely trash talk Omaha. You don't like it here? Get the eff out. Omaha's been making great strides of late and people who poke fun and have ZERO clue about what's actually going on piss me off. Big time. And I'm not even one of those fundamental "OMG!! I LOVVVVVE the Big O!" type of people. I just happen to know what the eff is going on in my community and people who don't and complain piss me off.
• Daylight Savings Time. OYYYYYYYY. And as a function, my frozen Diet Coke. How do they relate? Easy. I couldn't fall asleep last night because my body wasn't ready yet. I finally dozed off around 12 (and it's normally around 11). So, Mike gets me up at 6am. Normal time. Except that it still feels like 5am to me. Which is God's hour, as far as I'm concerned. So, I was extra tired all day and needed a bit of an afternoon caffeine fix. But my pop was warm. So, I threw it in the work freezer for awhile. Apparently, that thing is a subzero phenomenon because it froze my Diet Coke solid in record time. And I NEEDED it. I allowed it to thaw, but I'm sure you all know that when you open a once-frozen can of pop, an explosion ensues...in my case, it was all over a bunch of forms that I really need. Ugh.
• American Idol. It sucks this year. Every other season, I've had a favorite from the auditions. This time, not so much. I have a couple that I sort-of like, but I don't get in a tizzy over any of them. Maybe if dreads cut his hair off... Also, WTF, David Archilta? Um, dude. Remember the words. And you looked like a goon. What's with the lip-licking? I like you. I really do. But, I was really embarrassed for you tonight and I really don't like feeling that uncomfortable about things that aren't my own doing, mmkay?
• Amanda Obermeyer. I know she's part of American Idol, but she deserves her own bullet point on my annoyances list. Girl, you look like Cruella DeVille. Every week. Your wardrobe NEED NOT match your skunky-ass hair do. Black and white patterned pants are a fashion NO, no matter what the circumstance. And what is WITH the scarves? Yikes. I hope you get kicked off very, very soon because as soon as you do, I'm making a personal plea to Stacy and Clinton.

Now that all THAT's off my chest, I think I'll hit the sack.

Penne Rig-uh-oh

Lawrence is a sneaky little stinker. For real.

There we were, hanging out in the kitchen. I was cleaning his high chair trays and had the water running full blast. Somehow, during the brief time I was rinsing the trays, Law managed to get his hand inside a cabinet, pull out a package of pasta and dump the ENTIRE thing on the carpet without me noticing a thing. He's hell on wheels, I tell you. Good thing he's freaking cute.

I will say he was quite the little charmer after the fact. I couldn't even tell him 'no' sternly because it was pretty hilarious and he was being so sweet. He even helped me pick up all the noodles (in between tasting every other one, anyway).

Speaking of how freaking cute my son is, here are a few photos from today:

Not to be a horn-tooter (okay, maybe a little), but can we focus for a second on my baby's big blues? Look at 'em! They're gorgeous. I call him "pretty boy" and it pisses Mike off (all the reason to keep calling him that as far as I'm concerned...besides, I know Law is confident in his masculinity)

"Hey, y'all! Wanna come chill in my crib?"

Okay, so this was actually taken on Monday, but I just love it. I think it's quickly becoming one of my favorite pictures ever.

What a Wonderful Wednesday (and HOLLER for alliteration!)

Recipe for a Happy Hump Day:

-One 15-minute chair massage by a talented masseuse
-One Slim 2 from Jimmy John's
-One shocking observation from husband
-One child eating new foods

To quote the most articulate woman EVER, Paula Abdul:

"Two words: Phe. Nominal."



I've had this kink in my neck and right shoulder since Sunday. It's bad enough that I've almost gotten in a car accident because I can't properly turn my head and that I've taken several more Advil than the bottle recommends consuming in a 24-hour period. So, when our HR director said the masseuse would be in the office today, I signed the hell UP. **Bonus! Didn't cost me a penny! My lovely boss had given me a gift certificate!!**

You may be wondering how I developed such a heinous kink. Well, I was, too. Until I had an epiphany last night just before bed. I had a flashback to Sunday afternoon when I had Law on my shoulders. And then I got him down. And his foot got caught in my turtleneck. And. I dropped him. Aha! The pain is from me instinctively trying to twist and grab my poor son...at least it's well-earned pain...and not just some random, "oops-I-slept-on-my-neck-wrong" ailment.

Anyway, Becki (our fabulous masseuse...who, by the way, just had an ELEVEN POUND, TEN OUNCE baby...talk about PAIN), did an amaaaaaazing job. This was only my second professional massage ever and I didn't have very high hopes considering the last one left me bruised for days and caused internal trauma to my kidneys.

But I digress.

Relaxed and relatively pain-free, I returned to my desk and checked my email. One from Mike, saying he was hungry and could go for some Jimmy's. So what if I had it yesterday? So what if I had a Lean Cuisine in the freezer? I was DOWN with that.

He met me at my office and we walked to Jimmy's. On the way, the strangest thing happened. Mike was looking at me a bit oddly. I, of course, demanded to know WHY.

"Your eyeshadow," he said. "It looks good. You don't normally wear a color...it looks really nice."

UMMMMMMM. Wait a second. We've been together nearly 8 years. At no point in our relationship would I ever have described Mike to be observant when it comes to things related to the female appearance. Observant about pointless construction projects along the highway? Absolutely. Observant of our neighbors and exactly who does what when? Yep. Observant of which hamburger is larger on the grill so he can make sure he puts cheddar on the other one, ensuring he gets the bigger one? Every.single.time. But observant about my appearance? Not so much.

I was a bit dumbfounded. And then self-conscious. He was absolutely right. I had decided to step outside my little neutral-colored box this morning. Instead of going with my usual dark silver, I adventured over to the tin immediately next to it in my compact and swept on some purple. Then I decided it was too much and feared I'd look "80s," so I tried to neutralize it by applying a bit of my old standby, gray, on top. I can't believe he noticed. And liked it. Amazing.

This is getting really long-winded, so let me just say that I'm stoked as hell that Lawrence is eating the meals Mike and I eat instead of his standard rotation of bananas, mac & cheese, fruit cups, pancakes and mixed veggies. The child gobbled up ham, au gratin potatoes, carrot slices and grapes. These are all new foods for him. HOLLER. Millie said he's eating like a fiend at daycare, too...maybe he's having a growth spurt and is just so hungry he doesn't care. Maybe it's because he's distracted by the novelty of his food being on a plate and being given a fork to eat with. I don't really give a crap WHY he's eating so many new things and so much of them. I'm just going to keep shoveling new foods in while he's receptive and hope a few of them stick!

(by the way...I realize this was probably the longest, most annoying post EVER. I hereby vow to always include a photo of something...anything...to break up my ramblings from now on).

You have to be SHITTING me.

I'm a marketer's dream. Seriously. I see a new product and I.must.have.it. So, I've had the itch to go buy myself one of these:

I saw the commercial for these little numbers the other day. First of all, I'm a big fan of the regular Magic Eraser. So, if you give me suds AND the scent of Febreze in an already fab product, I'm sold.

I've been meaning to scrub my tub/shower for quite some time. It's embarrassing how much soap scum there is. But good ol' soap and water just won't cut through it. Even with a scrub brush. And if I clean it and it still looks scummy, I just feel like my work's unfinished. So, I just don't do it at all. Because why go through the work of "cleaning" a surface that's just going to look dirty when you're done? I see no point either.

I realize there are products out there that will cut the scum with just a few squirts, but I'm actually quite partial to my nose hairs and would rather not burn them out with the noxious mix of chemicals those products pack. Plus, my little boy's precious little bottom touches those surfaces and I just feel bad using such harsh chemicals with him in the house now (which is why I now buy Seventh Generation...or, of course, the newly marketed Clorox Greenworks products...I just *had* to try them, you know?!)

Anyway, I stopped at Target to get a few things, including the new sudsing Magic Eraser. I brought home my prize and immediately went to work on the shower. Whaddya know...it works wonders! Sure, it takes a bit more elbow grease than, say, The Works...but it definitely did the job. The soap scum was GONE...and in its place was the fresh scent of Febreze. Woot!

I stood and admired my gleaming tub for a minute before rescuing my high chair-bound son. I'll admit, I was a bit annoyed at how much spaghetti he was wearing and how my spotless tub would be tainted with Ragu, but I undressed him and plopped him in the water anyway. I washed him and then let him play (he adores bath time) while I read my book. I was just getting to the end of the chapter and about to dog-ear the page so I could get him out when I heard this strange noise, coupled with utter silence from my son -- no splashing, no jabbering -- he was still. It was just like he gets when he's playing with his toys in the living room and stops to...

POOP

My son is 14 months old and he's NEVER pooped in the tub before. Ever. (There was that one time when I accidently put him in the tub when he had a turd I didn't see stuck between his cheeks, but that's another story...) But there he was, one cheek out of the water, in utter concentration, dropping a fat deuce in my freshly scrubbed bathtub. Crap. Literally.

I'll admit, I froze up for a second. I mean, I didn't want poo in my clean tub, but I wanted poo on ME even less. Then, I shrieked "not in the tub!!" He started crying. I scared the shit out of him (well, a bit more shit anyway).

I scooped him up and stuck him on the toilet. Yes, seriously. I put my poor, cold, shaking, scared just-turned-14-month-old on the toilet in the hopes that he'd finish his business there. Sometimes, I'm just dumb. I think it goes without saying that he didn't go.

God bless Mike for fishing the turds out of the tub. I'm going to go bleach it out in a bit. I just can't believe the irony.

Take THAT, Kohl's!

Success is mine. After a long day, which ended with my son not taking his 2.5 hour afternoon nap at all, I've not only solved the Great Search for a Nantucket Style Frame but also the Great Shoe Hunt of 2008!

Lawrence, as always, was a trooper. We started at the photo frames and found two of the three that I needed. I added them to the cart and headed to the shoes. I quickly found the pair I'd been eyeing for Mike and located his size -- SCORE! They had them. I then made my way to the children's shoes. They had a bunch of different styles!! Some that were even included in the "Buy One, Get One Free" sale. ::choir sings:: Just for kicks (get it! "kicks!" As in, a slang term for shoes! Bwahahahaha!), I thought I'd look at the Adidas Superstar 2Gs I'd been coveting just yesterday. I couldn't believe my eyes! Perched neatly on the little display shelf was the shoe I wanted...with a tag attached to it proclaiming it as part of the sale!!! I threw the lame brown shoes I had settled on back on the shelf and found Law's size. Ba-da-bing! They were MINE.

Until I got to the check out. When, again, a teenaged checker tried to deprive me of adorable FREE footwear. I laid down the law -- there was a sign! Attached to the very shoe! Amazingly, she didn't believe me. An eternity later, someone from the shoe department called. I'd been convinced that they were hunting down a scissor to remove the aforementioned tag from the shoe so they wouldn't have to give it to me for free. But, the girl reluctantly overrode the price on her computer, warning me that if I wanted to return them, it would be a 'nightmare.' Uh, free shoes is a nightmare I'm willing to have. Mmkay?

(a photo of Law's new shoes...I just realized I may need a new hobby if I'm seriously googling my 1-year-old's new footwear so I can post it in my blog...)

Poor Lawrence was fading FAST, but I had to head just 5 miles South to the other Kohl's and pick up the third frame my aunt had requested (by the way...does asking your niece to run around town after some elusive frames and then shelling out $40 apiece seem a bit over-the-top to anyone else?) I lugged Lawrence around the store on my hip because he was NOT having the cart anymore. It was naptime and he just wanted to be done with the shopping scene. After digging around and only toppling a few frames off their shelves (with one hitting my son in the head on the way...he's fine), I finally found the blasted thing. Then, I was faced with the problem of buying only one frame during a "Buy One, Get One Free" sale. My aunt had said I could pick out a free one for myself. I didn't take nearly as long as I would have liked, but I finally found one that would do and was on my way.

A shout out to Nana, by the way, for picking up Lawrence's shoes for Easter today. My son didn't just get one pair of shoes...he got THREE. And Mike got one. Guess how many mama got. None. 'Tis the life of a mother, I suppose...

I'm exhausted. I was more productive today than I've been in weeks...months even.

And because he's SO damn cute (and because this is my current favorite outfit of his...and it's true, he has better shoes AND clothes than his mother), here's some pics of my little man from today: