So *some people* suggested I had writing skills worthy of blogging. So, I decided to end my little pity party and get back on the horse named Blogger.


I thought about starting all over -- I even went so far as setting up an entirely new account. But, then I came back and read my posts and decided oh, what the hell. (...okay, if I'm completely honest, it's that I'm REALLY lazy and I just didn't want to have to re-download my photos).

Since my last few posts were a bit

I decided that I should discuss a few things that make me happy today.

#1: My sweet little boy's cuddles. He was just fussing in his crib, so I went to lay him down and make sure he had his paci. He gave me his first ever, arms-around-my-neck, big solid hug. THAT was awesome.

#2: The weather. Thank you JESUS for this beautiful day. The sun is shining, I didn't require my mittens and I'm *almost* warm enough inside my house to not be wrapped up in my blanket-cape.

I am a bit disappointed that my freshly washed car with its shiny new bumper is now disgusting again (waaah WAHHH).

#3:

Mmmm. And you know that ever since I read the article that "diet pop makes you fatter" I've been livin' it up with my little full-sugar friend!

#4:

aka, my BFF (we have matching rings and everything). I can tell her anything and everything. Plus, she totally sees the humor in the most ridiculous things. For example, speaking to one another as though we're in the SNL "Teaaar-get" skit. We have regular conversations with that accent daily. It's freaking hilarious. You should try it.

#5

I kid you not. I have eaten a box and a half in a week. And it's not that I'm a huge pig...I've just been eating me Lucky Charms for every meal I can get away with.

It's a good thing Lawrence gives me #1 or I wouldn't share my marshmallows with him at all.

I do feel that the marshamallow to cereal ratio has increased since I was a kid and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I love me horseshoes, rainbows and pots o' gold as much as the next lass, but there is definitely a point where it becomes overload. But hell, maybe the added charms will bring me some luck!

And, that folks, is all I've got for today. But, I've committed to writing daily. We'll see if that happens...I'm lucky if I can make myself get DRESSED every day. SO, if you see me slacking, tell me to get on it (and to put on some "real" clothes...'cause Lord knows I'm probably just in yoga pants and an old pitted out t-shirt).

So, I decided that I need to quit being such a downer. At least on my blog. I'm not sure anyone really reads it anyway, but on the off chance that someone does take the time to puruse it, I think I should probably -- as Hannah Montana would say -- build a bridge and get over it. If I still need to whine and vent about how unfair my life is, I can't write about it in a journal (or at the very least, a word doc saved on my hard drive...typing is a lot easier, you know?)

Yesterday I went to see "27 Dresses." I didn't have very high expectations. I was dying to see it, but totally figured it would have a plot so predictable my 13-month-old could have written it. I was very pleasantly surprised with it, though. It was totally cute and had a deeper story line than I would have guessed. Probably the funniest part of the movie wasn't even on the screen, though. I went with my sister and we were 2 minutes late (which, if you know us, is actually pretty good!). The previews were alread playing and we took some seats next to a guy. He looked like he was saving the seat to his right, so we sat on his left. I was way into the movie, but when the lights came up I noticed the coat was still piled in the seat next to him. This late 20s/early 30s guy totally came to see "27 Dresses" by.him.self. My sister and I couldn't stop cracking up about it on the way out. I mean, really?! What?! I hope he didn't run into anyone he knew because that's just embarrassing. It's hard to get Mike to go to a girly movie WITH me. He would never go WITHOUT.

It's been a few days and I still can't make any sort of sense out of it. I don't like me right now -- I'm angry and bitter. And that's just not who I am. Sarcastic and crass? Yes. Anal retentive and over-anaytical? You got it. But I don't know who this pissed off, jealous, raging, mean-spirited person is.

I keep telling myself that so many other people have it worse. I read on a siggy on a chat board that said she'd lost her baby at 20 weeks. That's horrific. Unimaginable. Devastating. And yet I want to use those same words to describe how I'm feeling about the baby I lost...the pregnancy that probably never even formed into an embryo.

I know there are worse things. Far worse things. But I can't stop dwelling on it. Thinking about it. Thinking about how my body totally screwed me -- not just out of this baby, but having a baby in November, too. It's like I'm grieving for two lost children.

I'm trying to find the message in this. I feel like there's got to be a reason. Maybe it's that I need to learn to let go and not try to plan my life...to list out every event and when it should happen. Maybe it's to appreciate what I have. It just seems like such an unecessary way to teach a lesson...

I think I'm probably being a little overdramatic. And that frustrates me, too, because I'm not meaning to be. But, had I just waited -- probably even a day -- to take a pregnancy test, I would have never known. The $Tree tests were so, so light. I should have just left it. There was obviously a reason for that. But, my period was late and I just *had* to know. If I'd waited, I would have never even known what I lost. I wouldn't have been told to wait another cycle to try again. I would have just thought my period was late. But I didn't. I saw "Pregnant" and even if it was only for a few days, I was the mother of two. I'd seen my kids together in my head. I vividly imagined our family of three turning into one of four.

We're going to try again, but I'm scared out of my mind. If nothing else, this pregnancy has confirmed that we're absolutely ready for another baby. I just pray that God forgives me for being so angry with him about this and blesses us with another healthy child...and soon.