So, I had a meltdown today. Thank God for mothers!
After nearly two entire days home alone, I'd just had it with Lawrence. My patience had run out and being nauseous, exhausted and stressed this morning + needed to get ready to go somewhere + Lawrence refusing his morning nap = basket case mommy. I yelled at him. And then felt like a total ass. And like the worst mother in the world. Which made me ponder, if I can't handle ONE, how in the world will I manage with TWO? I hugged my sweet baby and told him I was sorry and that it wasn't his fault and managed to pull it together. Until I saw my mom. At which point, I began sobbing. My mom's really great in that I know I can say anything...can just have uncontrolled, un-restrained verbal diarrhea...and she won't judge me (I pray that I can develop that amazing trait for my children). I let it all out and she listened and then said all the right things.
I have to say that now that I've expressed all my fears and anxieties -- now that they're "out there" -- I feel like I can really be excited about this little baby I'm growing inside of me. Strangely, I'm eleventy-billion times more nervous about this pregnancy. I'm so afraid that something's going to go wrong...like, my luck's run out or something. And even though we weren't expecting to be expecting quite so soon, I want this child SO BAD. I can't wait to hear his or her heartbeat and see him or her on the ultrasound, just so I know (s)he's okay in there. And I'd forgotten just how much I love being pregnant. I feel like I was made for this job! I'm already queasy and so tired, but I love it anyway. I love knowing that my body's not just mine (okay, that sounds kind-of creepy...but you know what I mean). I can't wait to get a big ol' giant belly that I can rest my hands (and plate) on. And hey! I already have stretch marks, so I don't even have to stress about that this time around!
I do wish that food sounded good, though. I hated that with Lawrence and I'm already feeling the guilt with this pregnancy. I just have an icky taste in my mouth and my stomach feels sour and I can't figure out what to eat, so I end up eating nothing (or something completely random like the chocolate chip cookies I just HAD to bake and eat the other day!) I know I should be eating nutritious meals to help nourish this baby, but yuck! Nothing sounds good and I'm afraid I'll barf if I make myself eat something. Last time, I lost 10lbs in the first trimester...and I didn't feel so sick so early...I hope that I'm able to figure something out to manage it with this pregnancy. Not only do I need to nourish this baby, but I need the energy to chase after my son!
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