It's been a few days and I still can't make any sort of sense out of it. I don't like me right now -- I'm angry and bitter. And that's just not who I am. Sarcastic and crass? Yes. Anal retentive and over-anaytical? You got it. But I don't know who this pissed off, jealous, raging, mean-spirited person is.

I keep telling myself that so many other people have it worse. I read on a siggy on a chat board that said she'd lost her baby at 20 weeks. That's horrific. Unimaginable. Devastating. And yet I want to use those same words to describe how I'm feeling about the baby I lost...the pregnancy that probably never even formed into an embryo.

I know there are worse things. Far worse things. But I can't stop dwelling on it. Thinking about it. Thinking about how my body totally screwed me -- not just out of this baby, but having a baby in November, too. It's like I'm grieving for two lost children.

I'm trying to find the message in this. I feel like there's got to be a reason. Maybe it's that I need to learn to let go and not try to plan my life...to list out every event and when it should happen. Maybe it's to appreciate what I have. It just seems like such an unecessary way to teach a lesson...

I think I'm probably being a little overdramatic. And that frustrates me, too, because I'm not meaning to be. But, had I just waited -- probably even a day -- to take a pregnancy test, I would have never known. The $Tree tests were so, so light. I should have just left it. There was obviously a reason for that. But, my period was late and I just *had* to know. If I'd waited, I would have never even known what I lost. I wouldn't have been told to wait another cycle to try again. I would have just thought my period was late. But I didn't. I saw "Pregnant" and even if it was only for a few days, I was the mother of two. I'd seen my kids together in my head. I vividly imagined our family of three turning into one of four.

We're going to try again, but I'm scared out of my mind. If nothing else, this pregnancy has confirmed that we're absolutely ready for another baby. I just pray that God forgives me for being so angry with him about this and blesses us with another healthy child...and soon.